Dr. Vernal's Diary

You know those sunday mornings where you wake up with such a hang-over that being tortured by Kim Jong-Il and his 40 korean sex slaves, while listening to David Hasselhoff's greatest hits doesn't sound so bad after all? Now, Imagine going to a baby shower on that same day. That was the nightmare I woke up to that morning. When I opened my eyes I had a headache like someone had been bashing my head with a frying pan all night. a face that looked somewhat similar to that, and the remainings of a cheeseburger that hadn't quite been chewed properly left in my mouth. I tried to recall exactly what we'd done the night before and just how big a fool I had made of myself. I needed to know in order to work out just how many apologies I would have to make, and who I should avoid for at least 6 months. But unfortunately all I could remember was throwing Colleen around in a gay bar before putting her in a cab and heading to McDonalds - The Mcdonalds part I didn't really remember, but gathered from the left overs in my mouth and the nugget I'd been sleeping on. Baby showers are normally for women only , and there is a reason for that. When women attend these events, they become like female lions in heat. It turns into a war zone! They become like bridesmaids at a wedding, like nuns in a sexshop, and it is strongly advised to keep away from them for up to 72 hours afterwards if you don't want to be torn apart alive (unless you're willing to hand them your reproductive fluid, without putting up a fight). But somehow it had been decided that Doris's and Christine's should be for the whole company, and on top of that, it had to be on a sunday at noon. When I woke up it was 10.30 and I knew that I really had to pull my shit together on this one. I received a text from Colleen the moment I got out of bed saying ''A) you better show up today, I need you there. B) Would it be totally inappropriate to wear sunglasses at the baby shower?''.  I hit the shower and cleaned up seeing that I smelled like I'd bathed in Sambuca and cigaret butts all night. When I was initially invited I received the invitation through Colleen, who'd been strictly prompted by domestic-goddess-wannabe Hayley to tell me that I was invited but had to pay 10? in order to attend, OR I could of course just bring 10? worth of bread. ''10 ? WORTH OF BREAD'' I exclaimed upon hearing this outrageous suggestion ''does she realize how much bread that is?''. ''Yeah I think she's expecting you to hire a truck and unload it in the backyard'' Colleen said in a highly sarcastic tone. The only organization who works with quantities like that is Red Cross. This Party was already turning out to be a disaster, and it hadn't even started. I decided then and there to approach this nightmare with a positive attitude. When I pulled up to Carly's house I took a deep breath and entered the Lions cage hoping to get out alive. I was greeted by Carly - the hostess of the party - who was cheerful an bubbly as always. After having said hello I headed straight for the garden, where I was greeted by Colleen who was sitting in a corner sipping on a ginger ale looking like she'd been raped by 14 camels, and Zach who'd been put in charge of the BBQ by Carly's husband who was busy playing pool in the basement making up his own rules as always. This would have been a lot more fair had Zach not just had all his wisdom teeth removed, and had a face that looked like he'd spend a day at the Rihanna-Chris Brown household. However Zach had of course accepted the task, being one of those people that are so nice that even the Dalai Lama looks like a terrorist next to him. I decided to hide out in the kitchen since it was the only room that wasn't full of people and was joined by Colleen, who needed to have a serious conversation about when would be the right time to leave. As we were talking I tried to grab the ginger ale she'd been hogging since I arrived, but as I put my hand on the bottle I was greeted by a look that said ''Touch the bottle one more time, and you're dead meat'' In a Robert De Niro accent of course ''Get your own ginger ale'' she hissed ''Here's the plan, we're gonna stay for about 30 min. and then we're out of here'' she said matter of factly. Our conversation was interrupted by little miss congeniality - Hayley Macri, who had just arrived at the party. She stormed in the kitchen with a loaf of bread on a silver plater, throwing her jacket on a chair and pulling up her sleeves like she was some sort of Jack Bauer saving the world from being blown up by the evil Dr. Lama. ''Sorry I REALLY don't have time to say hi or small talk right now, I have to get to work'' She yelled in response to no one, while motioning for everyone to back off. I looked around at the four other people who was standing in the kitchen all looking slightly confused. I was biting my tongue not to laugh. ''Oh bread!'' Colleen said with an attempt on enthusiasm ''This will go down well with my stomach right now'' she said while trying to pick a piece of off the plater it was lying on. This led to Hayley slapping her on her fingers like some kinda five year old that had been misbehaving. ''Go find your bread somewhere else. this bread here is for the spinach dip'' she snapped. I was now smiling so much my cheeks were starting to shake and decided to leave before I would start snorting and wet myself. I went outside for a smoke where I met Carrie who looked as miserable and hung over as I. ''Having fun?'' I asked ''I wanna get the fuck out of here'' she said under her breath. She was clearly as big a mess as I was. Carrie is someone you can always count on when it comes to drinking, partying and ending up in dodgy bars dancing on the tables with. which is highly respected in my book. As I was just thinking I was in the clear, we were joined by queen bee Hayley again. ''Oh-My-God'' she spelled out while lighting a smoke ''We've done so well on this party'', ''Well I didn't really do very much'' Carrie said looking in my direction. ''Tssh'' Hayley responded shaking her head nonchalantly '' I didn't do this all by myself'' she said emphasizing the all.  ''You did...something Carrie''. It was now time for the parents to be to arrive and everyone was lining up in the living room ready to surprise them. '' This is ridiculous'' I said to Colleen who was standing next to me still wearing her sunglasses with a new bottle of ginger ale in her hands. ''If they get surprised, their water will break, and I can't deliver a baby in these conditions'' I mumbled. Everyone was so occupied lighting their sparklers that no one even noticed that the parents to be were already standing in the living room filming this mayhem. I was leaning against the wall, and tried to yell out surprise, but ended up in a cough attack instead. ''You look aweful today'' one of my least favorite colleagues said to my while I was trying to recover from my near fatal attack. ''Excuse me'' I said grabbing my jacket '' I just have to use the restroom''. I quickly found Colleen and pulled her aside ''Call a Cab we're leaving now'' I said '' Best fucking idea, you've had all day'' she replied ''But wait it's time for the presents now'', ''Listen Colleen'' I said in my most serious tone ''I've paid 10? to come here and be bullied, I think I have the right to leave whenever the crack I want to''. Our taxi arrived in the exact same moment as the presents were being carried down the stairs which resulted in all eyes being on us and our exit. ''Bye Carly'' I yelled giving her a noogie on my way out. ''Where are you going?'' someone said looking at me like I was some kind of baby hater for leaving before we'd even played Guess a celebrity baby. '' I've got a diarrhea'' I yelled running, trying to keep up with Colleen-the-Roadrunner who was heading ambitiously for the taxi. Once we got in the taxi Colleen pulled another bottle of Ginger ale out of her bag, and pulled her scarf up over her head. ''That was awful!'' she said gazing out the window ''If I ever turn in to one of those domestic goddesses, and throw a baby shower, you have the right to physically restrain me''. ''Whatever you do just don't have Hayley as your party planner'' I added. The rest of the day we spend on the couch traumatized by the days events.

As much as I love children and family life, I'd that day realized that I would have to start being a lot more picky about who I'd make my future bastard children with.  Being hung over as often as I am, I can't deal with these domestic goddesses and their tupperware parties. So I decided to myself that being a single dad was the way for me to go. we are after all living in the 21st century. 

The aftermath - Colleen with her Ginger ale and my scarf covering her ears

It was easter and Bryan and I had decided to go visit our friend Orla for a week of hardcore partying. Some choose to fast, but due to our lack of morals we decided to take this opportunity to replace our blood with alcohol. When we arrived at the airport, Orla had for whatever reason chosen to dress up as a Bavarian Yodeler in order to cause us as much embarrassment as possible. Orla is the kind of person who will go through great measures to embarrass his friends, and he never fails to succeed. However, this time his big banner saying ''Welcome back from fat camp'' and his Ghetto blaster playing ''Yodel Heidi's greatest hit's Vol. 2'' didn't work, simply because Bryan and I had replaced our embarrassment-gene with Xanax, and therefor remained cool enough to walk right past. Once we got to the car and Orla hadn't said a single word it was clear to me that he was pissed that he hadn't managed to get the reaction he expected, mostly because he'd spend a fortune on this ridiculous outfit. ''Orla why is there an anorexic meerkat bouncing around in your car'' I asked '' That's my...'' ''She's my....'' He continued ''... Let's just call her my most recent mistake'' he said with an excruciating painful look on his face ''But you two just leave her alone, I suspect she has a borderline personality and will starve herself to death if I leave her'' he said while waiving at her like a preschooler in heat. When we got in the car she turned around and shook our hands ''Hi, I'm Natasha'' she said with an optimism that could easily - and would later on - turn out to be stupidity. Instead of shaking her hand Bryan offered her a sandwich he'd stolen from the airplane. ''Why is she driving'' I asked, clearly not trusting Lindsay Lohan's doppeltgänger to drive. ''Because I'm not sober'' Orla said with his eyes closed rubbing his temples, having realized what a nightmare this would turn out to be. Bryan is a pretty blunt guy and does not like stupid people. Bryan + Barbie = Disaster. I figured I needed to take charge of the situation seeing that Bryan was NOT going to tolerate Twiggy and Orla was 3 blinks of an eye away from a mental breakdown. Clearly this girl was wearing him out. There was an event at the ''B1'' nightclub that night, so as soon as we got home we got ourselves ready had a few (to many) drinks while waiting for Natasha to change her outfit for the 53rd time. In the end she decided to go with what appeared to be a napkin for a dress. When she finally came out and announced she was ready to leave she followed it up with about 30 seconds of hoping up and down while giggling and clapping her hands. Was she trying to impersonate the Energizer Bunny? When we got to the club, The three of us headed straight to the bar and demanded Two bottles of Russian Standard vodka, while Barbie went to the bathroom to fix her make-up. It had after all been 13 minutes since she'd last seen a mirror. ''This girl has the social skills of a starfish'' Bryan said to Orla while downing his first vodka on the rocks. ''I think we've lost him'' I said to Bryan. ''She's driving me up the fucking wall'' Orla slurred. ''I've known her for a mere 2 hours and I already wanna poke my eyes out with a fork'' I added. When Tyra Bank's caucasian twin sister came back fortunately for us she had a headache, and Bryan being quick as a cricket took up the opportunity to offer her 2 Xanax telling her it was aspirin,'' take one and your headache should be gone for a few hours, take two and...well you do the math'' He said giving me a wink. She looked at him as if he'd asked her to develop a mathematical theory to build a functional model of the brain that is mathematically consistent and predictive rather than merely biologically inspired. But he reassured her that Xanax was a very common headache reliever in Germany. So she popped the pills and downed her Sex on the beach. The conversation had eventually landed on sex when Natasha added that some of the best sex she'd ever had she could barely remember and followed it up by a japanese cheerleader giggle. After a moment of awkward silence Bryan spoke up, ''I have a good idea, let's play hide and seek'' he yelled, while trying to stand up. Before anyone could respond Natasha had already gotten up and and was now stumbling her way away from the table towards the toilets. B1 is the biggest nightclub in Moscow and has 5 floors, so it wasn't a wonder that the barely visible thin-as-a-thread-thick-as-bread Natasha got lost. At this point Orla was on the bar dancing with about 5 others. I wanted to join him but in my attempt on getting up there, I lost my balance, landed on the other side of the bar and took Orla and two others with me... It was time for another drink. About fifteen minutes later Bryan joined us informing us that Madam mim was gone and nowhere to be found. ''Who gives a fuck'' Orla yelled out while on all four being spanked and ridden by what appeared to be a stripper wearing a D&G dental floss. At this point the bar was now full of people and two bouncers were ordering people to get down and Bryan to put his clothes back on. Bryan who was obviously too drunk to realize what he was up against shooed the bouncer away. What happened next I'll never forget. Bryan is a tall guy, but next to this monster of a bouncer, he looked like the littler version of Webster. So when King Kong turned around to call over the other bouncer, Bryan decided to jump on King Kong's back resulting in them both falling over. This all happened very slowly and I was expecting nothing less than an earthquake that would separate Russia from the rest of Eurasia, and create an 8th continent. It was like David and Goliath, except I'm not sure if David had drunk half a bottle of vodka and was halfway undressed when defeating the biblical giant. Bryan was now straddling the bouncer who was on his stomach, spanking him and screaming out ''YEAH! You like that baby girl'' I quickly grabbed Bryan by the arm and started running towards the exit while King Kong was trying to get back on his feet, and his friend, Godzilla was trying to help him, but his barrel like shape made it rather difficult it appeared. Orla was a few feet behind us with a bottle of vodka in his hand he'd managed to get his long fingers on during all this mayhem. We lost King Kong and Godzilla a few blocks down the street, and it wasn't until then Orla remembered that we'd forgotten his ''girlfriend'' back at the club. ''You're not suggesting that we go back and get her, risking getting the crap kicked out of us?'' I yelled feeling slightly unappreciated for having saved Bryan from ending in intensive care never mind having snug out 4 shot glasses and an ashtray! Orla was looking like he was having a minor stroke and suggested just taking a cab home '' If she has a brain cell and a half she'll find her own way home'' he added. It turned out that she did. When we got back to the apartment she was sitting on the doorstep without her shoes, her underwear in her hand, and sleeping in her own vomit. ''I'm breaking up with her first thing in the morning'' Orla said while his eye was twitching in disgust. ''... NO, as a matter a fact You Bryan are doing it for me, since you were the one feeding her Xanax''. ''Fine'' Bryan said, ''But just so you know, after this one, I'm DONE getting rid of your hemorrhoids for you'' He hissed, referring to all the other times he'd helped Orla, with his brain dead model girlfriends. After having showered and tucked in sleeping beauty, I suggestion that the following night we should probably find another club to go to, preferably in another country seeing that we were probably not welcome in the Muscovite party scene for a while.

Lesson to be learned from this - Always bring a camera when you go out, and never wear white after labour day!

It wasn't the first time I had been groped in public, but it was however the first time I'd been raped....By a bicycle. I was walking down the street wondering if germany was an animal which one it would be. Then it hit me... from behind, pushed me to the ground and planted itself right on top of me. I quickly realized that I had either been in an accident or was being raped by an alien wearing rubber gloves. Unfortunately it was the first mentioned. I quickly got back on my feet and thought about which part of my body to grab first, in an attempt on appearing seriously injured (In order for me to cash in from the insurance company). But I was so thrown off by this Hitler like creature screaming at me in what appeared to be Gibberish, that I completely forgot about all my possible life altering injuries. WAS this really an alien attack? No, it was nothing but a german, with a funny accent. After about 30 seconds of him screaming in this barbaric language, I finally let him know that I didn't speak german and continued to walk, But that didn't stop him ''DU SCHEISSE! Are you totally crazy oder was? I have almozt kill you on ze bicycle, you must look in ze traffic'' He said looking at me like I had just appeared on the freeway during rush hour wearing a goat costume when the fact of the matter was that he was the one going 100 miles an hour on the sidewalk . ''Are you serious'' I said, ''you hit me from the back, and now you're telling me that I to be careful''. Hitler jr. had clearly lost his marbles somewhere, and I wasn't going to help him find them. So I carried on my quest to find a Starbucks when he jumped of his bike and came running towards me ''You have a problem'' It was pretty clear to me that at this point he was just looking to pick a fight. I thought about going through with it for a second, but then decided I was way to hungry to fight, and since I had an audition the following day it would probably be a good idea to show up without any split lips or black eyes, So I just exposed my middle finger with a distance of an inch from his face. He looked slightly confused, I guess he wasn't quite comfortable with this passive aggressive approach. Finally he cursed a bit more at me, clicked his heels twice and marched back to his bike. I kept my finger aimed at him the whole time, until he was completely out of sight. Typical german I thought, all you have to do is to show a bit of teeth, and they go running back to mommy like a little puppy. What I don't understand about this country is the underestimation of a good attitude. If you approach someone with a smile, they will most likely treat you like feces, but if you give them the german attitude from the very beginning, they will give you their best shot at a decent costumer service. If you ask me it's backwards. And that's when it hit me, If the germans were an animal they would be ants, and the whole country would be a giant anthill. You see, ants are very functional and practical but absolutely no fun. If a restaurant was to be run by a group of ants the place would theoretically run very well, but since ants aren't know to be the most soulful creatures to say the least the place would probably not be known for their outstanding service. If you get in the way of an ant and it's path it will take a few steps back and try again, this will repeat a few times until it realizes that you're too bigheaded to get out of it's way. It will then try to walk over you and if that doesn't work either ultimately it will give up and walk around you. If you get in the way of a german the exact same thing will happen. 

Definition:

an ant is a small insect, often with a sting, that usually lives in a complex social colony with one or more breeding queens. It is wingless except for fertile adults, which often form large mating swarms, and is proverbial for industriousness.

Definition:

a german is a small creature, often with a sting, that usually lives in a complex social colony with one or more breeding dictators. it is wingless except for fertile adults, which often form a large mating swarm (better known as swinger clubs) and is proverbial for industriousness. 

Do you see the similarities?