Dr. Vernal's Diary

It was easter and Bryan and I had decided to go visit our friend Orla for a week of hardcore partying. Some choose to fast, but due to our lack of morals we decided to take this opportunity to replace our blood with alcohol. When we arrived at the airport, Orla had for whatever reason chosen to dress up as a Bavarian Yodeler in order to cause us as much embarrassment as possible. Orla is the kind of person who will go through great measures to embarrass his friends, and he never fails to succeed. However, this time his big banner saying ''Welcome back from fat camp'' and his Ghetto blaster playing ''Yodel Heidi's greatest hit's Vol. 2'' didn't work, simply because Bryan and I had replaced our embarrassment-gene with Xanax, and therefor remained cool enough to walk right past. Once we got to the car and Orla hadn't said a single word it was clear to me that he was pissed that he hadn't managed to get the reaction he expected, mostly because he'd spend a fortune on this ridiculous outfit. ''Orla why is there an anorexic meerkat bouncing around in your car'' I asked '' That's my...'' ''She's my....'' He continued ''... Let's just call her my most recent mistake'' he said with an excruciating painful look on his face ''But you two just leave her alone, I suspect she has a borderline personality and will starve herself to death if I leave her'' he said while waiving at her like a preschooler in heat. When we got in the car she turned around and shook our hands ''Hi, I'm Natasha'' she said with an optimism that could easily - and would later on - turn out to be stupidity. Instead of shaking her hand Bryan offered her a sandwich he'd stolen from the airplane. ''Why is she driving'' I asked, clearly not trusting Lindsay Lohan's doppeltgänger to drive. ''Because I'm not sober'' Orla said with his eyes closed rubbing his temples, having realized what a nightmare this would turn out to be. Bryan is a pretty blunt guy and does not like stupid people. Bryan + Barbie = Disaster. I figured I needed to take charge of the situation seeing that Bryan was NOT going to tolerate Twiggy and Orla was 3 blinks of an eye away from a mental breakdown. Clearly this girl was wearing him out. There was an event at the ''B1'' nightclub that night, so as soon as we got home we got ourselves ready had a few (to many) drinks while waiting for Natasha to change her outfit for the 53rd time. In the end she decided to go with what appeared to be a napkin for a dress. When she finally came out and announced she was ready to leave she followed it up with about 30 seconds of hoping up and down while giggling and clapping her hands. Was she trying to impersonate the Energizer Bunny? When we got to the club, The three of us headed straight to the bar and demanded Two bottles of Russian Standard vodka, while Barbie went to the bathroom to fix her make-up. It had after all been 13 minutes since she'd last seen a mirror. ''This girl has the social skills of a starfish'' Bryan said to Orla while downing his first vodka on the rocks. ''I think we've lost him'' I said to Bryan. ''She's driving me up the fucking wall'' Orla slurred. ''I've known her for a mere 2 hours and I already wanna poke my eyes out with a fork'' I added. When Tyra Bank's caucasian twin sister came back fortunately for us she had a headache, and Bryan being quick as a cricket took up the opportunity to offer her 2 Xanax telling her it was aspirin,'' take one and your headache should be gone for a few hours, take two and...well you do the math'' He said giving me a wink. She looked at him as if he'd asked her to develop a mathematical theory to build a functional model of the brain that is mathematically consistent and predictive rather than merely biologically inspired. But he reassured her that Xanax was a very common headache reliever in Germany. So she popped the pills and downed her Sex on the beach. The conversation had eventually landed on sex when Natasha added that some of the best sex she'd ever had she could barely remember and followed it up by a japanese cheerleader giggle. After a moment of awkward silence Bryan spoke up, ''I have a good idea, let's play hide and seek'' he yelled, while trying to stand up. Before anyone could respond Natasha had already gotten up and and was now stumbling her way away from the table towards the toilets. B1 is the biggest nightclub in Moscow and has 5 floors, so it wasn't a wonder that the barely visible thin-as-a-thread-thick-as-bread Natasha got lost. At this point Orla was on the bar dancing with about 5 others. I wanted to join him but in my attempt on getting up there, I lost my balance, landed on the other side of the bar and took Orla and two others with me... It was time for another drink. About fifteen minutes later Bryan joined us informing us that Madam mim was gone and nowhere to be found. ''Who gives a fuck'' Orla yelled out while on all four being spanked and ridden by what appeared to be a stripper wearing a D&G dental floss. At this point the bar was now full of people and two bouncers were ordering people to get down and Bryan to put his clothes back on. Bryan who was obviously too drunk to realize what he was up against shooed the bouncer away. What happened next I'll never forget. Bryan is a tall guy, but next to this monster of a bouncer, he looked like the littler version of Webster. So when King Kong turned around to call over the other bouncer, Bryan decided to jump on King Kong's back resulting in them both falling over. This all happened very slowly and I was expecting nothing less than an earthquake that would separate Russia from the rest of Eurasia, and create an 8th continent. It was like David and Goliath, except I'm not sure if David had drunk half a bottle of vodka and was halfway undressed when defeating the biblical giant. Bryan was now straddling the bouncer who was on his stomach, spanking him and screaming out ''YEAH! You like that baby girl'' I quickly grabbed Bryan by the arm and started running towards the exit while King Kong was trying to get back on his feet, and his friend, Godzilla was trying to help him, but his barrel like shape made it rather difficult it appeared. Orla was a few feet behind us with a bottle of vodka in his hand he'd managed to get his long fingers on during all this mayhem. We lost King Kong and Godzilla a few blocks down the street, and it wasn't until then Orla remembered that we'd forgotten his ''girlfriend'' back at the club. ''You're not suggesting that we go back and get her, risking getting the crap kicked out of us?'' I yelled feeling slightly unappreciated for having saved Bryan from ending in intensive care never mind having snug out 4 shot glasses and an ashtray! Orla was looking like he was having a minor stroke and suggested just taking a cab home '' If she has a brain cell and a half she'll find her own way home'' he added. It turned out that she did. When we got back to the apartment she was sitting on the doorstep without her shoes, her underwear in her hand, and sleeping in her own vomit. ''I'm breaking up with her first thing in the morning'' Orla said while his eye was twitching in disgust. ''... NO, as a matter a fact You Bryan are doing it for me, since you were the one feeding her Xanax''. ''Fine'' Bryan said, ''But just so you know, after this one, I'm DONE getting rid of your hemorrhoids for you'' He hissed, referring to all the other times he'd helped Orla, with his brain dead model girlfriends. After having showered and tucked in sleeping beauty, I suggestion that the following night we should probably find another club to go to, preferably in another country seeing that we were probably not welcome in the Muscovite party scene for a while.

Lesson to be learned from this - Always bring a camera when you go out, and never wear white after labour day!