Dr. Vernal's Diary

You know those sunday mornings where you wake up with such a hang-over that being tortured by Kim Jong-Il and his 40 korean sex slaves, while listening to David Hasselhoff's greatest hits doesn't sound so bad after all? Now, Imagine going to a baby shower on that same day. That was the nightmare I woke up to that morning. When I opened my eyes I had a headache like someone had been bashing my head with a frying pan all night. a face that looked somewhat similar to that, and the remainings of a cheeseburger that hadn't quite been chewed properly left in my mouth. I tried to recall exactly what we'd done the night before and just how big a fool I had made of myself. I needed to know in order to work out just how many apologies I would have to make, and who I should avoid for at least 6 months. But unfortunately all I could remember was throwing Colleen around in a gay bar before putting her in a cab and heading to McDonalds - The Mcdonalds part I didn't really remember, but gathered from the left overs in my mouth and the nugget I'd been sleeping on. Baby showers are normally for women only , and there is a reason for that. When women attend these events, they become like female lions in heat. It turns into a war zone! They become like bridesmaids at a wedding, like nuns in a sexshop, and it is strongly advised to keep away from them for up to 72 hours afterwards if you don't want to be torn apart alive (unless you're willing to hand them your reproductive fluid, without putting up a fight). But somehow it had been decided that Doris's and Christine's should be for the whole company, and on top of that, it had to be on a sunday at noon. When I woke up it was 10.30 and I knew that I really had to pull my shit together on this one. I received a text from Colleen the moment I got out of bed saying ''A) you better show up today, I need you there. B) Would it be totally inappropriate to wear sunglasses at the baby shower?''.  I hit the shower and cleaned up seeing that I smelled like I'd bathed in Sambuca and cigaret butts all night. When I was initially invited I received the invitation through Colleen, who'd been strictly prompted by domestic-goddess-wannabe Hayley to tell me that I was invited but had to pay 10? in order to attend, OR I could of course just bring 10? worth of bread. ''10 ? WORTH OF BREAD'' I exclaimed upon hearing this outrageous suggestion ''does she realize how much bread that is?''. ''Yeah I think she's expecting you to hire a truck and unload it in the backyard'' Colleen said in a highly sarcastic tone. The only organization who works with quantities like that is Red Cross. This Party was already turning out to be a disaster, and it hadn't even started. I decided then and there to approach this nightmare with a positive attitude. When I pulled up to Carly's house I took a deep breath and entered the Lions cage hoping to get out alive. I was greeted by Carly - the hostess of the party - who was cheerful an bubbly as always. After having said hello I headed straight for the garden, where I was greeted by Colleen who was sitting in a corner sipping on a ginger ale looking like she'd been raped by 14 camels, and Zach who'd been put in charge of the BBQ by Carly's husband who was busy playing pool in the basement making up his own rules as always. This would have been a lot more fair had Zach not just had all his wisdom teeth removed, and had a face that looked like he'd spend a day at the Rihanna-Chris Brown household. However Zach had of course accepted the task, being one of those people that are so nice that even the Dalai Lama looks like a terrorist next to him. I decided to hide out in the kitchen since it was the only room that wasn't full of people and was joined by Colleen, who needed to have a serious conversation about when would be the right time to leave. As we were talking I tried to grab the ginger ale she'd been hogging since I arrived, but as I put my hand on the bottle I was greeted by a look that said ''Touch the bottle one more time, and you're dead meat'' In a Robert De Niro accent of course ''Get your own ginger ale'' she hissed ''Here's the plan, we're gonna stay for about 30 min. and then we're out of here'' she said matter of factly. Our conversation was interrupted by little miss congeniality - Hayley Macri, who had just arrived at the party. She stormed in the kitchen with a loaf of bread on a silver plater, throwing her jacket on a chair and pulling up her sleeves like she was some sort of Jack Bauer saving the world from being blown up by the evil Dr. Lama. ''Sorry I REALLY don't have time to say hi or small talk right now, I have to get to work'' She yelled in response to no one, while motioning for everyone to back off. I looked around at the four other people who was standing in the kitchen all looking slightly confused. I was biting my tongue not to laugh. ''Oh bread!'' Colleen said with an attempt on enthusiasm ''This will go down well with my stomach right now'' she said while trying to pick a piece of off the plater it was lying on. This led to Hayley slapping her on her fingers like some kinda five year old that had been misbehaving. ''Go find your bread somewhere else. this bread here is for the spinach dip'' she snapped. I was now smiling so much my cheeks were starting to shake and decided to leave before I would start snorting and wet myself. I went outside for a smoke where I met Carrie who looked as miserable and hung over as I. ''Having fun?'' I asked ''I wanna get the fuck out of here'' she said under her breath. She was clearly as big a mess as I was. Carrie is someone you can always count on when it comes to drinking, partying and ending up in dodgy bars dancing on the tables with. which is highly respected in my book. As I was just thinking I was in the clear, we were joined by queen bee Hayley again. ''Oh-My-God'' she spelled out while lighting a smoke ''We've done so well on this party'', ''Well I didn't really do very much'' Carrie said looking in my direction. ''Tssh'' Hayley responded shaking her head nonchalantly '' I didn't do this all by myself'' she said emphasizing the all.  ''You did...something Carrie''. It was now time for the parents to be to arrive and everyone was lining up in the living room ready to surprise them. '' This is ridiculous'' I said to Colleen who was standing next to me still wearing her sunglasses with a new bottle of ginger ale in her hands. ''If they get surprised, their water will break, and I can't deliver a baby in these conditions'' I mumbled. Everyone was so occupied lighting their sparklers that no one even noticed that the parents to be were already standing in the living room filming this mayhem. I was leaning against the wall, and tried to yell out surprise, but ended up in a cough attack instead. ''You look aweful today'' one of my least favorite colleagues said to my while I was trying to recover from my near fatal attack. ''Excuse me'' I said grabbing my jacket '' I just have to use the restroom''. I quickly found Colleen and pulled her aside ''Call a Cab we're leaving now'' I said '' Best fucking idea, you've had all day'' she replied ''But wait it's time for the presents now'', ''Listen Colleen'' I said in my most serious tone ''I've paid 10? to come here and be bullied, I think I have the right to leave whenever the crack I want to''. Our taxi arrived in the exact same moment as the presents were being carried down the stairs which resulted in all eyes being on us and our exit. ''Bye Carly'' I yelled giving her a noogie on my way out. ''Where are you going?'' someone said looking at me like I was some kind of baby hater for leaving before we'd even played Guess a celebrity baby. '' I've got a diarrhea'' I yelled running, trying to keep up with Colleen-the-Roadrunner who was heading ambitiously for the taxi. Once we got in the taxi Colleen pulled another bottle of Ginger ale out of her bag, and pulled her scarf up over her head. ''That was awful!'' she said gazing out the window ''If I ever turn in to one of those domestic goddesses, and throw a baby shower, you have the right to physically restrain me''. ''Whatever you do just don't have Hayley as your party planner'' I added. The rest of the day we spend on the couch traumatized by the days events.

As much as I love children and family life, I'd that day realized that I would have to start being a lot more picky about who I'd make my future bastard children with.  Being hung over as often as I am, I can't deal with these domestic goddesses and their tupperware parties. So I decided to myself that being a single dad was the way for me to go. we are after all living in the 21st century. 

The aftermath - Colleen with her Ginger ale and my scarf covering her ears